As I saw him go, picking his way among the nettles, and among the brambles that bound the green mounds, he looked in my young eyes as if he were eluding the hands of the dead people, stretching up cautiously out of their graves, to get a twist upon his ankle and pull him in. [Great Expectations]
How will I know if you won’t talk?
so now, you see my view
for every single day
what now do we have to do
in this special day
i swear i tried my best to make it all those years
but there’s no saying when the magic can cut off my tears
so now i’ve an idea what to do today
why not break up and finally have it my way
coz that’s you and me eternally
but i choose long division than you sleep with me
and i’ve caught myself wonderin’ how you made me feel
i’ve realized that it’s been hard and this is what i really need
i guess, this isn’t a shock
coz it’s been bubblin’ for some time now
i know that you love me
it’s just a fact that you love yourself more
i swear i did my best to make it all those years
but there’s no saying when the magic can cut off my tears
you decide if there is anything more that’s
going on between the two of us at all
coz that’s you and me eternally
but i choose long division than you sleep with me
i can’t go on, you’re irritating, won’t you go away
don’t try to stop me coz my heart isn’t here for you to stay
what do you need me to stay for, you don’t need me i don’t need you what are we here for
Over the years, I have developed a habit of biting my nails. It came to me early in life. But, I am very pleased to tell to you that I was able to control it. Was. Then I was back after some time. (so much for the cheers)
They say that there are underlying psychological implications as to why a person bites their nails, and that it should stop, no matter what the reasons are. I won’t argue. It must be true anyway. But I’d like to share my reasons nevertheless. There are just two: One, when I feel it needs to be trimmed and the nail clippers are more than 2 feet away from me. Yes, I am that lazy. I admit. Two, when I read something, especially when it gets to the exciting part, I bite my nails. Not really all the time. I play with my favorite earrings too (but since I lost them…).
It’s not hygienic, not lady-like and more reasons why I should stop the horrid habit. I know.
Guess what. I have stopped. For good I believe. My driving force: the Philippines.
I pledged not to bite another nail until I get back to the Philippines. I probably won’t ever because, now I don’t feel the urge to bite anymore when I read. (Clap! Clap! Clap!) About my laziness, well, I’ve been working on it for 5 years now.
But my pledge is not really not to bite — it was not to clip them until I return home. So maybe now you’re thinking… But you’ve been in America for more than 2 months now!! How long are going to let your nails grow if you don’t clip them? That’s not very hygienic either!!! You’re right again! Don’t freak out, I still have short nails. Because, believe it or not, guitar-playing is a good way to file the nails!
I feel that this is a very extreme thing to do though — having long nails… I’ve always liked my nails short and nail biting is a part of my reading habits. So this is really big for me. But what made me pledge is the hatred that I feel. Hate to some people that should be the ones helping me out. It’s actually a sign of rebellion. Like Macario Sakay, a barber who pledged not to cut his hair until the Philippine Revolution (against Spain) is over. Petty? Yes. But the driving force is big. And I derived something really good for me from something really bad to feel. The energy is not spent on nail-biting anymore, but on focusing in the present and the things that need to be done. And I get a small sense of accomplishment for every task I finish (imagine a VERY lazy person completing a task… that’s AMAZING!). Everyday I wake up and see my nails longer than I am used to having. It makes me smile to feel like I won against the person I hate. And as a bonus, my fingers look more feminine now. Another source of a little smile. 
And I am lovin’ it.
Tonight, one of my nails were chipped off… the pretty nail isn’t as feminine anymore, but still pretty. It just doesn’t belong with the rest now. I guess that’s okay, knowing how much I’ve accomplished as a rebel. 
Maybe my reasons for stopping the bites aren’t exactly perfect. And my pledge isn’t exactly nice (actually, it’s completely wrong), but once I’ve gone through this rebellious stage, I know, I am going to love myself a little more. And that is a positive outcome.
You think a chipped nail is a girl’s thing? Try a rebel’s.
Creeping into the bed, I slid my arm to cover an eye. I got the right balance of light and dark by staring at the perfectly blank ceiling with the remaining eye. I was thinking, “How did I get here?”
***
I have just logged off the internet. My eyes are strained and felt like dropping due to lack of sleep. But my eyes were too tired to sleep. I tossed to the right and under my pillow, thinking through what I ought to do tomorrow… and for the days ahead. God! I wish I could come up with a fast solution!
But I can’t. It’ll take me years to get to the answer and more pains are expected before I get there. Perhaps in desperation and in dire need of release, my eyes let it out. I remember I could hear my friend’s voice when I read her e-mail, and I repeated it in my head to give me strength.
Finally, the crying stopped. I even laughed at the thought of disclosing everything to that friend and see shock in her eyes. As I laughed, with the thinning air under my pillow, I broke loose — towards the left, where my lamp shade started to scold me Be careful or you’d hit the floor. I almost did. My eyes suddenly opened to the blinding light. They tried to adjust as fast as they can. Almost benevolently, taking cue from the scolding lamp. And sure enough, my eyes caught the floor’s “I-don’t-care-if-you-fall” look. My feet sprang to the rescue. And then I was safe. I think…
I looked at my disoriented pillows and blanket for around 8 seconds before I crept back in it.
***
Creeping into the bed, I slid my arm to cover an eye. I got the right balance of light and dark by staring at the perfectly blank ceiling with the remaining eye. I was still thinking, “How did I get here?”
feel the tension it’s been building up
so it wouldn’t be so bad if it blows up on my face
sensations you gave me can’t be matched
reality came you ran away and left me
with all these mess there’s nowhere lower than
where i lay alone
i know how lovely this scene is to you
can’t think for myself and i depend on you
but nothing makes sense now
no, nothing in this damned world that can
help me
i’m falling too fast, too deep, too soon
help me
i push my luck, just killed a man i won’t pay the price
and sit prettily with my favorite dress on ooh
you lead me to heaven and i feel so high
can’t think for myself and i need more of your lies
after the ride, i was accepting consequences unwillingly
i know how lovely this scene is to you
can’t think for myself and i depend on you
but nothing makes sense now
no, nothing in this damned world that can
help me
i’m falling too fast, too deep, too soon
help me
help me
i’m falling too fast, falling too soon
so now you would tell me
"reality stinks so come with me"
isn’t it nice, you lie to me again
it’s stupid to say that i can’t feel for you
but i have been damned and you’re the reason
to my hopelessness
help me
i’m falling too fast, too deep, too soon
help me
help me
i’m falling too fast, falling too deep
i’m falling too soon
I have the visions, make them real
I never spoke to let them hear
what would I do when you’re not here
there’s no hope that I feel
May nawawala akong gamit
Hikaw kong paborito
Bigay ‘to ni Mommy
Sana mahanap ko
Sabi ni Pagi
Ninenok na ‘to
Sana di mangyari
Dahil iiyak ako
Wala sa mga damit
Wala rin sa kama ko
Wala sa ilalim
Sa’n pa kami magtatagpo?
Madalas kong tanggalin
Sa tenga ang hikaw ko
Dahil ‘pag may babasahin
Nilalaro ko ‘to
Madalas din akong magising
Na katabi ang hikaw ko
Gulat at sa aking pakiwari
"Buti hindi ako natusok"
Minsan sa pagmamadali
Kung papasok na sa trabaho
Sa kaliwa ang bag ko’ng bitbit
Sa kanan, hikaw at baon
Mga hikaw ay ikakabit
Pagsakay kay Tita Pong
Minsan pati pa vitamins
‘Tsaka lang iinom
Kwarto ko’y binuhawi
Sa isang pagkakataon
Animo’y nagsama si Rosing
Ng boyfriend na bagyo
Ngunit di nawalay s’akin
Ang mga hikaw ko
Sa lahat ng pangyayari
Sila’y kasa-kasama ko
Nag-iba ang ihip ng hangin
Nang Tita ko’y nagkwento
Alahas nya’t salamin
Kinuha ng multo
Mali ma’y napangiti
Sa kanyang pagsusumbong
Pagka’t maingat siya’t nawalan din
Ako’y magulo’t may hikaw na suot
Pagkalipas ng pitong kain
Papasok na sa trabaho
Nguni’t di ko kayang hanapin
Mga hikaw na paborito
"O multong nananalamin,
Ibalik mo ang hikaw ko
May alahas namang pampalit,
Kunin mo ang sa Tita ko!"
did you see the bordering of her lips
it’s gonna take me forever
and all the burnings inside and around the tips
of lasting comic surrender
deep shade of mourn, decline you
did you finally go on about your slips
it’s staining covers with purple
bet you forgot to meditate ’bout your fingertips
hell, it’s on television
deep shame, i’m mortified by you
i will be there, demoralize you
i will display the better of you
if you feel the thrill be there
suit the guillotine
keep this souvenir, you’ll need all the cheats
it’s gonna take you forever
hope there is no one in line that gives you the kicks
they’re gonna knock you over
deep pain that vaporizes you
i will be there, demoralize you
i will display the better of you
if you feel the thrill be there
suit the guillotine
all that’s arcane must go out to the open
i will be there, demoralize you
i will display the better of you
if you feel the thrill be there
suit the guillotine
In every single thing in my life
There are choices
And I am aware of that
Always
Some have obvious answers
That I should pick
Yes, should,
Which makes it seem
Like I didn’t have any choice in the first place
But I am aware
That most choices come in packages of "bad"
Which makes it seem like
I am doomed from the beginning
Because any way I take
Will be the wrong way
The wrong choice
But I am aware
That to choose the lesser evil
Is a choice I have to make
For survival
For I choose life
It’s inevitable
Devils are devils
It works that way
Because they chose to that way
Like demons
I, too, have choices
For each situation
And sometimes
There only are a couple
To choose from
It’s not enough most of the time
But I am aware
That two is better…
So it’s always better
Now I have the power
To be the light
Amidst the darkness…
To be the angel
Amongst the demons…
To be the white spot
Amidst the black space…
To be the sheep
Amongst the wolves…
To be
And just to be…
May there be no evil,
Lesser evil,
Or evil
I don’t care
As long as I have choices
I am good to stay
He’s so cool
Captured me at first glance
Held his eyes on me
Played my favorite song
Quelled the rage in me
Replaced the thoughts in my head with something sweet
Vehicles and trains
That takes me away from here
Because he gives me everything he can
Would like to see me swinging with his moods
Those restless moods
Addicting me to pain
Now my cries can be heard
Accidentally brush through his darkened face
He starts to play with my hair
He knows my weakness too well
So he’s cold
And he can toy with me like I’m his own
Emotions are too deep
Dismissed with a smirk
Ooh… This madness to live without you
The more I try, the more you flick away
You shut me out for days
And come back slowly again
Looking for more
But you’d simply go
